Somebody mentioned Memphis today and it got me to thinking...I have no idea why they mentioned that triple "T" (tragic Tennessee town). Maybe they did it to terrify me. I went to Memphis for the first and definitely the last time this summer. I would rather pluck my toenails off one by one with tweezers than ever travel through that trailer park ever again. I don't even remember why I went there. It is all a blur. Oh yeah...It is starting to come back to me now. I went there to audition for a game show by the name of "Who Wants To Date A Loser?" Memphis is a fashion train wreck. It lacks class and taste altogether. Every single female I saw was pumped full of silicone in more than one place. I remember in one of my favorite movies of all time, "Waiting To Exhale" when Whitney Houston's character Savannah stated that if she had the nerve she would get some real breasts. Um, her breasts were real and they were beautiful. In many cases, women save every last penny to get implants and then what happens? One deflates and they can't afford to get it replaced. Nice. At the least the ones they had before were probably the same size. Something else I noticed in Memphis was that all of these girls had two-toned hair and wore colored contacts. Do you know how scary a brown-eyed and dark haired girl with ice blue contacts and blonde streaks appears? It looks like a skunk and a raccoon inbred. If you know me well, then you will know that the worst part for me was the display of designer imposters. Do these people really think that CHANEL carries anything that looks remotely like what they are wearing? I imagine all of the cheap hair dye has them confused.
Take it from me ladies...Men like the REAL thing. I should know because every moment of my life is like the ritual the bride shares with her bridesmaids and female family members before she struts down the aisle...Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Something old: I have ex-boyfriends from 10 years past wanting to take me to mardi gras balls. Something new: I have a new boy interested in me everyday. Something borrowed: I am contemplating borrowing one of my father's guns to ward off these losers. Something blue: All of this attention makes me blue in the face.
Please do not be fake and most importantly do not wear fake CHANEL jewelry or carry around fake Louis Vuitton handbags. It is a crime!
