He/She Loves Me, He/She Loves Me Not...Instead Of Plucking Flower Petals, Shake A Magic 8 Ball And Find Out

Does this scenario sound familiar?

There is somebody you drool over at school and they are super popular and you want to tell them you like them but you just can't because you are petrified that they might stone you publicly at the next pep rally. You sit by them in English class because that's your assigned seat and the two of you sit at a table alone and the two of you talk and laugh and it makes the puddle of your infatuation induced slobber resemble the contents of a kiddie pool. They are in a few of your other classes and whenever you get close to them you contract an army of butterflies. Butterflies that don't float, but sting like a bee. Sometimes out of the corner of your eyes you see them staring at you and you feel like you are about to require smelling salts. So what should you do?

There is a Greek proverb that says: “You can’t hide love or a cough.” True story. When you like somebody, you can’t hide it. However, most of us are very well trained in hiding our feelings. In fact, I have made a job out of it and worked many hours of overtime.

When it comes to expressing an interest in someone, we all make excuses. The timing always seems to be off, but the "perfect" time may never come. We would rather shove bamboo up our fingernails then give in. When there is a mutual interest, but neither person speaks up it is like "War of The Roses" getting someone to budge. I refer to it is the pride tug of war.

Think of a 12 step program. The first step is to admit it to yourself that you are interested in someone. Then, you just have to share it with them. Since you have to tell them one way or another, all you have to do is choose which way.

You can always call, blurt it out and then hang up or you can text them. Cuten their name...It implies that you like them. You could express your feelings in the form of word vomit and then claim that you dialed the wrong number. If you know multiple people with the same name then this tactic is actually believable. You can also write them a short note or draw them a picture. If these methods don't get you the result you hoped for, you can always try to escape humiliation, by saying that you were "drinking when you said that or when you went out of your way to make them a hand-crafted gift with thought the size of a third world country put into it". Trust me. It works every single time! You can also wait and make them tell you first. I wouldn't advise this if you are impatient.

If you are spunky and fun like me and don't mind getting busted for disorderly conduct, vandalism or trespassing you might write them a note and tie it to a rock and throw it at their window or you might toilet paper their yard with Valentine's Day themed toilet paper.

TRUST ME. IF YOU DON'T TELL THEM YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER and as Prince said in "Let's Go Crazy" circa 1984, it means forever and that's a mighty long time! Odds are, if they talk to you, it's because they want to, and if they are staring, it's because they like what they see when they look at you. The worst that can happen...They like you as a friend and while it hurts, you still get to be friends, right? BUT they could really like you and turn out to be the person that you hide behind that white picket fence with! If you don't take that leap of faith then you will never forget the moment that you knew you should have told them.

Spit it out! You won't look desperate if you tell someone you like them. You will only look stupid if they end up with somebody else who is less attractive than you and not as cool as you. While in the back of your mind you will be thinking that they could have had a better and bigger bag of chips in you, you are the one who didn't put them on the shelf for them to open.

A Man's Best Friend May Be A Dog, But A Girl's Best Friend Is A Gay Man

Jack:  Is that you God?

Cher:  Well, it depends on what bath house you pray at.

After a few decades of dating unsuccessfully, not to mention dating unsuccessful men I stumbled upon a different breed of men.  Yes, I am talking about a girl’s best friend…The gay man.  There he was.  Instead of a loser in aluminum foil he was a knight in shining armor.  Actually he was a knight in shiny Prada and glittery Dolce and Gabbana.  Okay, okay, the designer labels came later.  The first night I met him he was in only his underwear serving shots at a luau themed party at the local pansexual playground.

Throughout the years I have enjoyed many shopping trips to Pier 1 and Z Gallerie with him as well as some fabulous dinners.  He loved to play a little game that he coined as “left, right, left”.  Let’s just say the rules of the game involved those 3 little words prompting me to simulate Mardi Gras activities.  He also doubled as a stay at home DJ.  He made the best remix CD’s.  CD’s that would make the neighbors whom were of the senior citizen mentality complain to the neighborhood association as well as the police.  To this day one of my most prized possessions is a hot pink Madonna LP that he gave me.  Hot pink vinyl I tell you.  He knows Madonna better than she knows herself.

By far the best gift he ever gave me was escorting me into “bitchdom”.  He coached me into being a real bitch.  I was his break-out star.  He took all of my amazing qualities and exploited them.  He showed me and the rest of the world that I am truly a “gem”.  I attribute my abundance of self-confidence to him.  Without my gay BFF I would be, well I would be me and just a smidge less confident.  Just a smidge.

If you have not been blessed enough to find a gay best friend then what are you waiting for?  Go out and find one!

Self-Awareness And The One Night Stand~A Survival Kit

We women have all walked the walk of shame at least once in our lives and if we have done it once chances are we have done it on several occasions. Most of us are not afraid to admit it either. In college, we walked away from his fraternity house in his shirt and boxers, barefoot with a sense of pride. Our gesture exclaimed, “Look at me, look at me, look what I got!” Chances are if you didn’t use protection then your next walk of shame was to the gynecologist’s office to find out exactly “what you got.”

Women often question the fairness of the concept that men are considered heroes and women are considered sluts when it comes to sexual encounters that occur outside of committed relationships. This is a barbaric concept and should not apply especially when women enjoy sex and know that they need it occasionally if they are not in a relationship to prevent them from becoming a homicidal, hormonal maniac.

Like women, for some men, when they reach their mid-30’s they are looking for something different. They no longer want you to vanish in the morning. They want to keep you for days on end. If a man that I barely know plans on keeping me for days then it better be on a tropical island. Think about it. There you are stranded at his place. You are too broke to take a cab. All of your friends are too hung over or too busy to come get you. You are hungry and restless. And last, but certainly not least you start to smell like an expired dumpster.  After being stuck with him in his apartment for almost 48 hours, you don't need a lover, you need a caseworker.  The mind-blowing sex you had is an afterthought. It is like dust in the wind, because all you can focus on is how you want a shower and a cheeseburger.

With the rise in popularity of sleepovers that appear to be infinity-themed you must prepare and prepare well. Before going out you will need to pack a survival kit which should include, but not be limited to: A toothbrush (Thank God for WISPS which are mini, disposable toothbrushes), a change of clothes, snacks, cash, sleep aids, medicine, reading material, etc. Believe it or not you can be resourceful and survive in style. My favorite places to get over-sized handbags in Atlanta are at Bill Hallman, Fabrik and K-La.

So grab that over-sized handbag and always remember…He wants you and has the ability to convince you that you want him. As long as you are aware of the fact that you want "it" and need "it" then you have nothing to be ashamed of. At last, you can view the ultimate calorie burner as a pleasurable transaction between two consenting adults as opposed to a booty call or one night stand.

Take ownership and have fun, but be safe!