"A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future."
Coco Chanel
Back in the 1970's when I was a little lady and didn't know any better, I would flip through my grandmother's Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal magazines and daydream about all the layers of fried chicken that I would create for my family one day, but never ever ever did I thumb through her copies of Harper's Bazaar and aspire to be on the worst dressed list.
There are rules of being a lady.
Rule#1: Make your own rules.
Rule #2: Break all of the rules.
Rule#3: You can only follow rules #1 & #2 if you are a woman of my caliber and my ranking. Why do I consider myself special? I come from a long line of glamorous, classy women so I am just lucky like that.
Unfortunately, some most unfortunate women were raised in pop-up camper parks by mixed breed coyotes, therefore, they don't know any better, but have no fear misfits, I am here to dispense advice.
Sequins have a curfew. You will never catch me in sequins after 3 am. Why have I chosen this time? Because at this point most of the bars have closed and you and your friends have made it to some one's house for some after hours pleasure. Also, you will never catch me running around with my shoes dangling from my dainty fingertips like a clutch. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. There I was, New Orleans, Mardi Gras 2000. My feet were covered in blisters because I decided to devour beads in 5 inch wedges from dusk until dawn. I felt like I could not go on so until I stumbled into a store and bought some flats I walked around barefoot. On Bourbon Street. I am amazed that I still have 2 feet. Walking barefoot publicly, just screams that you are fat, hungry and wasted. I'm not fat and when I do get wasted I tend to carry myself rather well, except for one recent weekend when I knocked a bunch of shit over. The only time your bare feet should touch a public surface is when you are standing on your star on Hollywood Boulevard and even I don't have one of those...Yet. These two rules are the reason why you should ALWAYS pack an overnight bag. You should always be armed with a change of cute, but comfy clothes and a pair of comfortable flats or flops. AND, another reason to pack a "I might not be coming home" bag dates back to NYE 2010 which can be referenced in this post:
http://peachyinthecity.blogspot.com/2010/01/self-awareness-and-one-night-standa.html.
It was fun, though. : )
On a what not to wear and what to bring along note, you should always have a few staple pieces in your closet/possession. For me, staple pieces are items that you spend a little bit more money on that really stand out and add some "pop" to that little black dress that isn't so exciting anymore, mainly because it has been hanging in your closet for awhile and it no longer provides you with that "feels brand new" high. Some of my staple pieces include, a nude faux (of course) crocodile handbag, a pair of hot pink ruffled suede ankle booties and my newest favorite addition which is a leopard print scarf with a hint of green in it. I love scarves. If you start to feel like a disintegrating Cinderella and you want to take it off you can always tie it around your purse handles and let it hang to the side.
Don't ever wear designer knock-offs. That is a criminal act which should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If you can't afford a plethora of your favorite designer pieces then save your money to purchase at least one of your dream items. Tuck your savings away in a "shit I can't afford" jar. Don't worry too much, I have owned everything from Gucci and Chanel to Louis Vuitton and Prada, however, I think designer overkill is tacky. Yes, I am referring to Gucci and Louis Vuitton imprinted birthday cakes. I mean, really? I prefer cupcakes anyway. Cupcakes drenched in hard liquor. I am down with the old school barbie doll cake too. You know the one. The cake that is built around the base of the doll. Damn, some great ideas sprung from the 80's.
Be CREATIVE. Don't ever compose the polite gesture of thanking someone via email or text message. Text messages are for touching base, confirming plans and most importantly breaking up. Yes, I am guilty of breaking up via text message, so if you are reading this and have an interest in me then consider yourself warned. I apologize in advance. Wait a second, I take that back. I make no apologies for myself. It is what it is. I am who I am. To know me is to love me. You get the point. So, stationary is so very important. You don't even have to go out and buy it. You can craft it yourself. It is not about the expense, because many times the materials used to hand make items usually totals more than the actual item on the shelf. It is all about personal touch. A note or a gift doesn't mean as much if thought has not been put into it. Speaking of gifts...Buy people gifts. Be kind and generous. Generous does not have to equal expensive. It truly is the thought that counts unless of course we are talking about the guy who thought he could have sex with you, but was too drunk to make it happen. That thought doesn't count. That person doesn't count.
Speaking of physical pleasure, DO NOT refer to your "special place" as a va jay jay. I don't care what Oprah says. In the past, I have referenced it as my Mary Poppins. I have no idea why. Maybe it is because it takes care of people (men)? Or maybe it is because it is like a spoonful of sugar? Who knows. Most recently, she has taken on the term "Cookie". Either way it is couture. It is like Saks Fifth Avenue. Not everyone can shop there.
The most important law revolves around CONFIDENCE. You must exude confidence in order to succeed. If you lack confidence, start hanging out with me. I am steering a yacht full of confidence and I would love to have you on deck so get on board!
Last but not least, you should always carry gum. I love the positive affirmations I get from carrying gum, because nobody else carries it and they always want it. AND, always, always SMILE. It costs nothing to smile! : )
**These laws and rules are DIANE tested and approved**
