“What’s really going on here is sex. Good, old-fashioned, eager-to-please, do-what-I-tell-you-to sex.” – Miranda, Sex And The City
We all know at least one person who loves being rejected by us. They are certifiable masochists. One would think that if you rejected a person once that the pursuer would leave the pursued alone. Not always. Sometimes, they take a break for a few months, thinking that you will change your mind. Why would you change your mind when they look worse, and act more juvenile than they did before? Answer: You wouldn't. To make matters worse, they have taken up pungent breath as a hobby.
This may be somebody that you tolerate in mixed company, but the thought of being in a relationship with them makes your throat start to constrict and the walls start closing in and speaking to you. It is like an emotional pet dander allergy.
So let's say that you can't stand a non-potential suitor, but you have a lapse in judgement and decide to enter into what I like to call an agreement/arrangement with them. You would be in charge of establishing the ground rules. Below is a sample letter of intent...
Dear Somebody Who I Might Hug Lying Down As A Sport, But I Would Rather Shove Bamboo Underneath My Fingernails Than Date You,
Below are the rules for our string less commitment:
Rule #1: Think of each encounter as a separate experience and erase it from your memory. Just because it happened, once, twice or 26 times does not mean that it will happen again. This also means don't call me, text me, email me, send me a message in a bottle or advertise the necessity of seeing me with a skywriter or a Goodyear blimp. I will contact you.
Rule #2: There will be no hanging out. We can hang out together with our mutual friends, however, the two of us will not be hanging out alone. This means no dog walking, TV watching, newspaper reading, etc.
Rule #3: Do not ask me to be your date to a wedding, funeral, work function or your class reunion and by all means DO NOT list me as your emergency contact. I do not care if you have the flu or broke your leg after tripping over a pool stick.
Rule #4: Do not ask where I live.
Rule #5: There can be no jealousy. Enough said.
Rule #6: Even if somebody asks, DON'T TELL. If you don't know how to keep your mouth shut then purchase a KFC style bucket of discretion and funnel it like a beer at a college frat party. Either that or pull a Motley Crue circa 1983 move and mainline it like heroin. This rule is more like a warning. If you tell anyone, I will deny it and then jack you up.
P.S. I think you are a wonderful person, just not the person for me.
P.P.S. I am a liar.
P.S.P.S. That means I am lying about you being a wonderful person.
*I need to give credit where credit is due. I would like to thank the latest loser who inspired me.
