High School Skinny

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." ~ Kate Moss

It's like a recurring nightmare.  The refrigerator is calling your name and the rants are long and drawn out moans as if coming from the talking trees in The Wizard Of Oz.  You get up and open the door and that chocolate pie jumps out at you and hits you in the face.  It is like a pie throwing contest not in your favor.  It is gone within 5 minutes and as you are licking the whipped topping off your face you think about how epic the cigarette will be.

I never thought I would want to lose weight.  I was super thin well into my 20's.  I was a pencil thin teen model.  I didn't walk the runways in Paris and Milan, but I certainly wore out the carpet in the Mary Lou's Models office.  While I always knew I could handle putting on a few pounds, I didn't want to put on too much.  I was super stoked when I put on 20, but once I put on 40 I wasn't so thrilled and then there was 60 and then I was so not fond of the days when I drank weight gainer.

So here we have what has been my emotional food roller coaster for the last 6 months.

There is a skinny bitch inside of me and she is dying to get out.  She is pushing, kicking, screaming, etc. Every time I hear her blood curdling scream I feed her a cookie so she will shut up.  No more!  From now on she gets a tic-tac and a bottle of water.  Maybe she will have her choice between a tic-tac and a skittle if I am in a good mood.  BUT, under no circumstances is she to have a chewy spree, even if she has been on her best behavior.

Now that I have started to relinquish the pounds I am starting to feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders as well as the muffin off my waistline.  Now, when I eat a bland salad it tastes so much better, because I know I will look so much better in that garter belt. I will also be more comfortable during a night full of spontaneous activities like streaking while toilet papering houses.  Of course, if I am participating in that kind of random play that means that I am probably highly inebriated and I don't really care at that point.  Also, every time I am dying on the stair climber I just look for that light at the end of the tunnel.  I see "trophy wife" in bright lights and it gets me through my workout every time.

It's official!  I am about to give birth to this food and alcohol baby of mine and will be giving it up for adoption to anyone else who wants to feel undesirable for the time being.  Remember to take care of him/her and feed them plenty of bon bons.  Thanks!