"I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?"
- Jeremy Grey in Wedding Crashers
Recently, an inquiring mind asked me if I thought I could ever commit to one person...Forever (according to Prince, that's a mighty long time)? Why on earth would somebody target me for a question like that? Does my mere presence scream commitaphobe. I am not a hooker. Anyone who follows me on foursquare knows that I am frequently checking into bars and clothing boutiques and not street corners. Oh yeah, I am 38 and happily have never been married. I am sure there is a very good reason for that, however, I have no idea what it is. I repeatedly say that I wouldn't mind settling down if the right guy found me, however, my actions speak louder than a stadium full of vuvuzelas. I can admit that I have a tendency to kiss and run. I push people away and we are not talking about a slight nudge. I push people to the edge of a cliff and then kick them over the river and through the woods with no remorse. Is it a proud moment every time I realize that I have left a cross country trail of broken hearts and spinning heads? NO, but it is what it is. To know me is to love me and I think people have a pretty good idea of what they are signing up for when signing on with me.
Maybe, just maybe, I don't have the bride gene. Maybe, the doctor ripped it out of my heart right after I was born. Am I going to hunt the doctor down that delivered me and sue him for malpractice, as well as, rip his arms off, beat him to death with them and then shove them down his throat? No. I have caught many bouquets in my lifetime, when I was too young to know better. Were they meant for me? I don't know. All I know is that I have a good catching arm. These days I just ignore them and they usually end up hitting me in the head as I look away. Want to talk about severe head trauma. I am guessing the next one might possibly cause a seizure.
Everyone has been single at some point in their life. Everyone has also been in some sort of crazy relationship as well. While to many being in a relationship is a better situation to be in, unfortunately it takes two people to be in a relationship so until the right person is mail-ordered to you, you're just going to have to put up with being single. However, I see the silver lining in being single.
So this is me...I reside in Single Land. A land where flirting is encouraged. A land where my money is my own and I can spend a week's salary in Vegas if the spirit moves me. A land in which I can leave my clothes anywhere I want which means that I don't have to pick up anyone else's.
Relationships are all about compromise, being single is all about doing what you want, when you want.
Sure, I would like somebody to split the mortgage with, but there are perks to being single. I can get up out of bed and go spontaneously buy milk in the middle of the night without somebody wondering if I am cheating on them. I can sit on the sofa and eat Cheese Whiz out of a can and watch hours of General Hospital on TIVO without being judged. I don't have to deal with somebody promising to take me out to a nice dinner, falling asleep and then when they wake up the only restaurant open is the McDonalds drive-thru (I am still pissed off about that). I also don't have to wait in line for the bathroom.
Perhaps, I am just jaded and my experiences are holding me back. All of my knights in shining armor have turned out to be losers in aluminum foil and eventually I want to run them over in a parking lot and turn them into speed bumps.
I guess I better change my thought process, because a vibrator will not send you flowers on Valentine's Day or split the mortgage with you. In fact, vibrators drain batteries which drain your bank account! I am sure going to miss those late night booty calls via email. I know. WTF?! I guess rotary phones will be making a comeback as well.
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